<3 · Note · To · Self, · I · Miss · You · Terribly · <3

I didn't get to sleep until 10-ish thanks to Jason and Kelly. Woke up at 1 and watched Days of Our Lives. I enjoy watching that show because it's nice to know that my life doesn't suck THAT bad. I honestly don't remember all the things I did today. All I remember is talking to Wayne and watching Phantom of the Opera 3 times. I love that move a lot. Hours passed and I got bored, so I took some new pictures. They look very scene and that makes me a not very happy Jessie. But I suppose I'll live.

FUCK!!!!

Jason, Kelly, and I had another conference. It was fun. I really missed those times...I really missed him.... I missed the stupid laughs that we shared and everything. He told me some horrible news that made me cry...a lot. I refuse to post it, but I hope it's not true. Fuck I hate everything right now.

I called Wayne and we talked about things. We're both feeling/thinking probably the same thing. It's nice to know that there's someone else I can go to that'll understand...that's actually around my age (no offense Kelly. You know I love you). I'm really glad I met him. It's like we're one person in two different bodies. It's...kinda creepy haha. He understands everything I go through. He also has a way of making me laugh. Wayne is teh amazing.

Well, I'm gonna go try and find out when my bank opens so I can go get some smokes and food.

♥
Jessie

Well...Christmas blows this year...as it does every year. I got some of the stuff I asked for. Actually, most of the stuff conciderng I didn't ask for much.

What I got:
*My puppy -- Marilyn
*Jack & Sally comforter
*Jack & Sally slippers
*The Healing Garden: White Tea set
*Some other lotions
*A snowglobe from JC Penney Portraits
*$20
*A portable CD player

Christmas dinner was pretty good. I had some pumpkin pie afterward. Oh how I looooves me some pumpkin pie. I'm not too much on ham, but the kind we had today was pretty yummy.

Yeah, so my Uncle Ken just called and told my mom and I that my grandma's on the way back to the hospital. This year really fucking sucks. It's making me so nervous. Gah...man fuck this year v.v

So I've come to the realization that the only thing I actually love about the Christmas season is the food and the candycanes...Oh...and the booze. Yes, the booze...TRUE eggnog makes me tingle all over....Perhaps it's the rum, I'm not sure. Haha!

I got to talk to Wayne again last night...for 10-ish hours straight haha. It's amazing how fast that kid cracked me open to expose myself. Kinda...aggrivating haha! Even though he said the same thing about me. I really like talking to him...like a lot. He makes me laugh on the inside as well as on the outside. It's better then sex. :| Scary, yes I know. Hopefully I get to go spend New Years with him in Toranto. That would be wicked rad. At least I wouldn't be home drinking alone and whining about how much everything sucks. Haha!

Here's two new drawings n such. Yay for drawing!

Well, I gotta go be mommy's slave and wrap gifts then clean Jack & Sally's cage.

♥
Jessie

Hmm...okay, so I totally promised you I'd leave you something.

*leaves something*

Haha! Just kidding...anyways...

One boy, one girl
Two different lives
Both the same
Yet so different
Could you just
Maybe one day love me?
Open your heart
Learn to trust.

One boy, one girl
Both burned by love's cruel flame
You slice my heart
I'll slice your's
Two hearts bleed as one
Share old battle wounds

One boy, one girl
So close yet so far away
Snow powdered distance
Makes me never wish for spring
How I'll love this winter
Indefinately.

You're like a new drug
Phonelines feed like morphine
Your voice my herione
Now that you've left
Send me into rehab
Shock and convulsions
The nights won't be the sane
Simpley because --

You are my New Year's addiction.

Yeah...and...yup...All for you...Now that I'm blushing and stuff I'm gonna go now. Have a very safe trip home and if there's any way you can let me know you made it there safely, please do so :(

♥
Jessie

Eh, today just blows. Went over to my sister's house and played Underground. I haven't played that game in so long v.v Then after that Meg, Lori, and I all played with some EVP. That was creepy as fuck. Then I ended up falling asleep for maybe 5 minutes, got dropped off at my car, then threw up all over Randy's sho's driveway o.O That wasn't very fun. I got puke all over my Chucks and my pants. Not a fun time. Then I fell asleep on the way to school. Felt like shit for the rest of the night, and still continue to feel like shit.

I'm fucking freaked out about my oral tomorrow. I don't even have the report done v.v Thank God Mrs. Clark's giving us extra time to work on it tomorrow or else I'd be fucked. I'm even more freaked out about next week when I have to take the Algebra and Human Relations exams v.v I'm going to bomb them and freak out T.T Hopefully I don't forget to take my med's next week v.v

Sleeping slowly going back to the way it was before. I'm losing more and getting more sick v.v Even now it's 4:34 AM and I'm still sittig here typing because I can't get my ass up to go to bed. I don't want to wake up in 5 hours v.v I want to sleep forever. That sounds like soooo much fun, to sleep forever. But it does make me wonder if someone would care. Hmmm...probably not, but oh well.

♥
Jessie

&infin; Hmm...so I had THE BEST phone sex of my life last night! Haahahaha, no, just kiddin'. I talked to Wayne all night. It was awesome. I haven't talked that long on the phone in such a long time. I was actually...laughing both on the inside and the outside...o.O I haven't done that in a very VERY long time v.v Wayne, I'd like to thank you for that ♥ ...But I still blame you for wearing me out and keeping me up all night long XD :* XD. I'll see you and a bottle of booze and a stripper on New Years Haha!....Okay...minus the stripper >.<

∞ I adopted Marilyn today! So now I have the most adorable little Chihuahua since Pebbles. She's so fuckin cute with her little diamond studded collar and such.

∞ I didn't do much today. I got home from getting Marilyn then took a nap. Called the dentist and made an appointment to get my chip fixed >.< . Then I got online and talked to Kelly, Nicki, Germ, Sterling, and Wayne.

∞ Now I'm watching the Wings game. They're in LA right now and winning. They better win because I'd be pissed off to lose to a state that hardly sees snow >.< So far we're winning: 3-1: 3rd Quarter. My cousin's playin right now. GO KRIS!!!! NUMBA 33 RUUUULLLEEZZZZZZZ!!!! XD

∞ Yup...that whole lack of sex thing is really starting to hit me now v.v It's getting to the point of if I don't get some soon...I will shoot myself in the face o.O That makes me sad v.v

∞ Now I'm going to go before I get yelled at for not talking v.v

♥
Jessie

&spades; Yup, I've started my last year of college, finally. I have Intro to Algebra, Human Relations, and Workplace Communications. I like all of my classes so far which says a lot because I hate math hardcore. All of my teachers are pretty cool and I know that my Human Relations teacher will like me because I cause most of the arguments in that class. Haha! I have two classes with two of my best friends! I have Human Relations with Nicole and Workplace with Becky. Hizzah!

♠ All I ever do now is eat, sleep, and breathe homework. I hardly have time to talk to Jason now that I have school, which sucks 'cause I haven't talked to him since we had our lil "argument". I wish he'd just let me in so I can try and help him through whatever he's going through right now. Even though he won't, I'm still behind him 100% and he knows I'm here if he ever needs someone to talk to. I hope I get to go see him for Christmas break. </3> ♥ I love you, Jason ♥ </center>

♥
Jessie

&hearts; I'm in Chicago again...I'm having SO much fun here! I love it, it's awesome. Kelly's mom's letting me take her car places and everything! Today we drove to the mall and had a blast. I got more clothes and such. I love the ladies that work at Torrid there. They're completely awesome! I wish my mom would have came this time.

♥ Bleh, I'm kinda all icky feeling inside so I think I'm just going to end this here.

♥
Jessie

Dear Jason,

♥ It's about 8:27 AM Chicago time and I can't fall back asleep. I'm sorry I wasn't online when you were. I missed you by about an hour. Kelly's mom gave me a beer, and when mixed with my med's...knocks me RIGHT the fuck out.

♥ I wish I could talk to you right now. God, I miss you so fucking much. December seems so far away. At the train station I saw a flock of geese flying south and it made me think of you. Why? Because when geese fly south it means fall is coming. Fall is just one season away from winter, which is when I go see you. Yay for me being bored and waiting for a train that's an hour late!

♥ Sorry I was worried about something I know I shouldn't have been. Sometimes it's hard to believe that someone would actually be willing to keep me around, y'know? I believe you when you say I have nothing to worry about, and I do trust you. All I ask is that you don't hurt me...I'd be crushed.

♥ Well, I should try and go back to sleep or something. I miss you and love you so much.

♥
Jessie

You promised me starry night skies
They just remind me of your shining bright eyes
Im missing your voice at night time
This sepa-separation seem-seems a sad crime

B-b-b-but dont dont dont think think think i forgot you you you
Are are are oh so sweet i i i - i know

If only you were here
Things would be more magical

If i were there
Right now would be more radical

Youre so not near
Im wishing i could place a call

And feel closer to you ooo-ooo

The miles of air and road and land
That separate me from all my plans
Were havin' havin' havin' havin' fun
But something something tells me i miss someone

B-but i hope hope hope you didn't forget me i couldn't
Forget you the whole time i always knew i knew

Say that youre into me just let me know how it will be
If you dont know dont say so
Ill wait till the perfect time think of all the perfect lines
Ill make sure if i let you know

Weve got movies on our list to see
Things to do just you and me
Calls to make from here to there and back
Weve got fun to have and days to spend
Stars to see or just pretend
At least for now just keep things right on track

♥ Isn't it weird how one song can some up how you feel about someone? Ugh...if you (you know who you are) ever read these things...I wish I wasn't so far away from you. A year...it kills me to think about it. December's much closer, only four more months but it's going to be hard to leave. Ugh...gosh I love you *sigh*...

♥ This week has sucked some major ass. Here's the short version:
♥Mom kicked out Meta
♥Meta made me feel worthless
♥Monday came and went without any rememberance
♥Tuesday I did bad things to myself and had to go to the therapist then stayed the night at Becky's house
♥Today I filled out some stuff for medical insurance and took a nap. I'm very emotionally wore out from fighting this stupid slump I'm in. I can't wait to get better. That way everyone won't have to worry about if I'm going to kill myself and stuff. The most embarassing feeling in the world is having your best friend take her razor out of the shower before you take one then watch you shave to make sure you don't do anything stupid with it.

♥ Only four more months until I go see Jason♥ ♥ ♥

♥
Jessie

&hearts; Today went better than the days before. It was so fucking hot outside today I could barely take it. All I did was sit around which annoyed the piss out of me. I'm so used to at least going over to my brother's house and sitting around in the AC. The humidity was so aweful at my house I was pissy just sitting there. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I think I'll venture over to the sibling's house and relax and stuff. I gotta clean his house anyways.

♥ Found out that my sister's computer is fried...again. At least I know it wasn't my fault. It was infested with Trojans and stuff. Motherboard is toasted. I'm NOT looking forward to calling her and telling her that. >.< I'm getting really aggrivated with Ron about not calling in about that fucking computer I want. I think I'm just going to give in and call my grandma and have her do it for me. I'm not looking forward to having her do that either...I'm not exactly sure if she will or not :|

♥ I went over to my friend Eric's house tonight for a little..."cleansing". I feel so much better. My cards are clean, now I just have to get back in tune with them. That'll take about 2 weeks. I had 3 good signs happen that's shown me that everything will be okay and that I will achieve my goals and stuff....

♥ I didn't get to talk to Jason that much today. We said our hello's but then I had to go to Eric's house. A "hello" is better than nothing at all. Hopefully I get to talk to him tonight.

♥
Jessie

&hearts; Today was semi-okay. I went with my mom over to her friend's house. They're going to go "boy hunting" at some country clubs on the beach along M25...I'm supposed to go with them hah! It'll be fun...at least it'll get me out of the house so I stop thinking so damn much. I really gotta stop doing that or I'll drive myself crazy...OH WAIT! Too late! Hah!

♥ Tonight is such a nice night outside. I walked home from my brother's house and laid down on the picnic table next door in the parking lot. It's warm with that cool breeze. When it would hit the trees it'd just relax me. I almost feel asleep out there. What a problem that would have caused when the workers pulled in, eh? Anywho...I stared up at the sky and watched the clouds move across it. I played the shapes game and saw a bunch of things. It was very peaceful outside. For once...I didn't worry about anything.... For the time being...life was perfect. There were no problems -- no drama to deal with. Just...sky. Every so often a star would show through. I couldn't help but think that that star was my goal and the clouds were just little blocks that'd I'd eventually get around.

One day...I'll look up at that same star with you and realize I actually made it to my goal ♥ .

♥
Jessie

&infin; Friday was shitty. The end

∞ Saturday was cool. I got to watch my niece and nephew again. We went to watch the fireworks for the fair days. They were kinda shitty, but ah-well. Emma enjoyed them a lot. She's so flippin cute it hurts. I took her on the swings after that and she had a blast. Then we went home and she passed out. I watched Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle and fell asleep.

∞ Sunday was okay. We had a family cookout thingy at my Grandma Friday's house. I got to see some people I haven't seen in...about a week. Hah! Anywho...I went back to my brother's house for the night after that. Called Kelly and talked to her about stupid shit. Didn't go to sleep until about 5 AM. Woot woot!

∞ Today was eh. There was a severe thunderstorm that went through. It was really cool watching the fronts going through. The way the clouds were moving was pretty peaceful. It reminded me of my own life. Swirling one way, then swirling another. Everything seems perfectly fine then BAM! Something else comes along and everything gets chaotic.

♥
Jessie

&spades; Today was kinda bleh. I slept like crap because my back hurt. It was hot all day. I, of course, forgot to take my birth control pill on time. Stupid thing. I hate how I have to take it at the same time every day. I think they should make a pill to where no matter what time you take it, as long as you take it THAT day you'll be fine.

♠ Meta, my mom, and I all went over to my brother's house to do laundry. We sat around in the A.C. and enjoyed it like whoa. Meta and I played Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory. I *heart* that game like crazy. I'm completely addicted to the damn thing! Then after we finished playing games I cleaned the house and we watched the movie Grind. I forgot how great that movie was. I should concider buying it some day.

♠ All day I have been kinda down about myself. Not sure why, I just have been. It took Pipkins and Jason's reassurance that I am a great person to make me feel a little bit better. Sometimes I just feel that I'm not worthy of loving and that I'm not a great person. I just don't know anymore....

♠ I'm still completely scared shitless about my appointment tomorrow. I know there's nothing to be scared about, but I still am. I guess it's because I don't know what exactly they're going to talk to me about and stuff. I hate thinking about things that have hurt me. It's so amazing that in order to become better, one must feel really shitty and think about all the bad things that have happened to them. I'd rather just think about what can make me better for the future instead of going over things that have happened to me in the past. I hope my mom doesn't walk in there with me...there's some things I just don't want her knowing about. I'm going to tell her I need to go in alone...no matter how bad I actually want/need her to be there with me.

♥
Jessie